Resisting temptation

Sometimes we all want what we can’t have.
Sometimes something is so ingrained in us we feel compelled to do it.

Sound familiar?

Yesterday I found myself looking back, almost fondly, to my time at the Daily Mail when I stumbled upon something I thought could make a story.

Appearing on Channel 4’s Sunday Brunch, comedian Cariad Lloyd said children shouldn’t be sheileded from the reality of death by being told a loved one ‘has gone to a better place’. Instead, she claimed, parents ought to be straight up with the facts.

Were I still at the Mail I’d pop this on my list of story proposals for the news desk to mull over in conference.

The seed of temptation was placed: should I send a quick email?

Sunday Brunch on Channel
British comedian Cariad Lloyd

I felt the compulsion to log onto my computer and write. Already it was going round in my head in Daily Mail house style.

Maybe I’d write it anyway, post it on here.

So I sat there in front of the TV before reaching the final conclusion that I was not going to. Why? Well, quite simple because I didn’t want to.

As with many of the stories I wrote while I was at The Mail I thought it was rubbish. I mean, who really cares? Someone vaguely famous says something ever so slightly controversial and it becomes news worthy.


But the most important thing for me was that I put myself first. I had a choice.

Addiction follows a similar pattern. The initial temptation, obsession, weighing up the pros and cons of submitting to the desire. It could be set off by walking past a pub, seeing the booze aisle at the supermarket or simply feeling a bit blue.

It does pass though. And I let this one go too. Today I choose to move on and enjoy my day instead.

Tomorrow may be different, who knows. A common phrase in the world of journalism is that you’re only as good as your last story. When it comes to addiction I would say you’re only as strong as your last overcome craving.

I’d love to hear from anyone else going through their journey to recovery about how they resist temptation.

Can you resist temptation?

Trust me I’m the PM

Image from Ebay

It’s a tactic often seen in parenting or the classroom: do as I say, not what I do.

Yep, as kids we were expected to follow the rules imposed – but not always demonstrated – by adults.

And oh look, here we are again. This time though it’s a bit more serious than ‘don’t chew with your mouth open’ or ‘only cross the street if it’s the green man’. It’s Boris Johnson allegedly flouting Covid-19 safety guidelines enforced by himself and his parliament.

According to press reports, the Prime Minister broke the ‘spirit of the rules’ by going for a bike ride at the Olympic Park in London – seven miles away from his home – on Sunday afternoon.

We’ve been told to stay home and, specifically, not to drive to beauty spots for exercise. It’s not known whether Boris was driven there or not – although he had his security detail with him – as Downing Street has refused to comment. In typical politician hedge speak all that’s being said (according to an Evening Standard source) is that he was ‘in line with Covid rules’.

Boris Bikes: this ain’t the time for a ride Mr Johnson

But it will be sure raise some eyebrows, especially coming just after two women were issued fines (since retracted, but still) by police for driving five miles to go for a walk at a reservoir.

In response to that incident, by the way, Health Secretary Matt Hancock told broadcasters he ‘would absolutely back’ the officers imposing fines and emphasised that the rules are not ‘boundaries to be pushed’.

Now, I’m not saying I want to do the same thing. There’s no ‘woe is me why can’t I go on a cycle in the park?’ I do get why the rules are there. No, they’re not law but they’re for the safety of everyone.

To me it just seems hypocritical and, to be honest, down right stupid of Boris. Surely he at least glanced over the toughest lockdown rules yet before imposing them on the rest of us?

Seriously, Mr PM, get it together. Because now more than ever he should be setting an example to the rest of us.

Just saying.

Laying down the (not quite) law: Boris addressing the public on Covid restrictions

Feed the world, not Covid

As one of my favourite festive songs asks: ‘do they know its Christmas time?’ And yes I think we all do. But there’s one who doesn’t: Coronavirus.

That became even more clear when Boris Johnson announced the Christmas cease fire was no longer happening due to a surge in cases. We were told to stay home, not mix and police were given more powers of arrest.

But some people didn’t listen.

The NHS struggled to cope, the virus gained force. And now, as we see out 2020 with a weekly death toll of 581 – the highest since April  – we face the next challenge: what will tonight bring?

Will people follow guidelines and opt for a New Year’s Eve at home watching the telly? Or are we on an uphill trajectory to utter crisis?

There’s an easy solution guys.

Please, as you recall the lyrics from Bob Geldof’s Live Aid hit about feeding the world and celebrating the festivities of the season, keep Covid in mind and don’t help feed that.

Because that world is outside our windows. And this year it really is one of dread and fear.

Let’s kiss goodbye to 2020 not with parties and a booze up but with gratitude and hope for a safer, happier 2021 for one and all.

If you need any ideas for a stay-at-home shindig check out Good Housekeeping’s top tips. I’ll be doing an online yoga session, enjoying a salmon and prawn dinner, drinking my alcohol-free (more than 6 weeks sober now…) fizz and chilling out with movies, the cat and some board game fun.

Get the popcorn and films at the ready – Bruno’s ready to party like it’s 2020!

Regrets and risks

A very important question was put to me recently: what risks have I balked on taken and regretted?

At first I couldn’t think of anything. Because every risk has its, well, risks, and how would I know if I’d made the right decision?

At first I thought maybe not continuing to work at the veterinary practice where I was a receptionist /assistant during my gap year. Had I stayed I would have been trained up as a nurse. And I do love animals.

But I had a ski season lined up. And uni. Neither of which I regret.

How different would my life be if I’d sacked off the uni and ski season and become a veterinary nurse? I’d have missed out on experiences, that’s for sure. And lifelong (I hope) friendships. I certainly wouldn’t have worked for the Daily Mail.

Working there made me ill though, so I circle back around to whether I made the right decision. At the time I didn’t know what a risk it was.

Whatever path I took would have lead to a different life. So I think the best answer is that I shouldn’t have regrets. Everything in life is a risk. I just chose one, right or wrong.

Fun but profound: declining a gift of limitless proportion

If you could have one dream gift what would it be?

A new car? £1000000? An island in the carribean? Maybe it would be marrying the love of your life with no spending limit for the ceremony. Or how about first class flights to anywhere in the world for the rest of your life for free?

The big bucks: image from

That was a question presented to me during a recent Zoom discussion. The lady running it private messaged us all a potential not-your-average gift based on what she thought each of us would be extatic to receive.

We each then shared it with the group (the conceptual gift that is) and mine was the £1000000. Then we had to consider and discuss what the downsides of each would be. Trust me, it was a hard one!

But with many things in life, to every high has it’s lows.

I met my fiance in rehab, for example. Had I not had the issues that took me there I never would have met him. But the shame of the reason I was there in the first place caused me to isolate from many friends and family members.

Then there’s Covid. Just look at the amazing work people are doing to help others.. For me, personally, it has been the offers of help with shopping or picking up meds from virtual strangers, and the man who helped me when I collapsed in the street. Plus I’m now talking to my grandma every week. We never used to do that. So in that way isolation has ironically made us closer.

But back to the gift of a life time idea. I realised it would potentially drive me away from the people I love not on the same financial level as me. I would squander money on useless things. I would probably become more selfish and no longer feel any desire to work, thus eliminating the joys of success and the new friendships I would make with my colleagues. I mean, I’m not working now and I really miss that. Would I ever truly feel content?

And of course there’s the elephant in the room of my own personal problems. Would my eating disorder worsen to the point of hospitalisation? Would I kill myself through drink? Recently I was in hospital and all I could hear one night was a man screaming over and over again. He was dying. From alcohol. His skin was yellow and bruised. They were basically keeping him alive on painkillers. The next day the bed was empty.

Jen went on to read a passage from the bible that highlighted the very same concept.

I can’t become a believer overnight. But with the help of others I can apply some of the principles of the bible to everyday life. And it becomes more manageable and less overwhelming.

And as for my £1000000, I guess it’s true what they say, money can’t buy you happiness.

Whats in your mirror today?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Image from Steemit

When you look in the mirror what do you see?

Is it an image of success? Or one of failure? It’s a strong word that. Failure. And I believe we use it way too much. Because really, just having got out of bed and fixed the sheets is a success. If you’ve got a pet you’ve probably fed it and possibly yourself. You may have said a prayer if you’re a religious person. And most of us will already have an idea of what we want to do with our day and been in contact with friends or family.

So really, the day will have got off to a fairly good start.

But have you said anything positive to or about yourself today? Or have you focused on the negatives? The washing up left in the sink from last night’s dinner or the hoovering that needs doing?

I’ve written recently about self judgement and the ways in which others judge us. Or at least, the way we think they’re judging us.

I’ve been in hospital not too long ago and when going through my medical history and what medication I’m on, the nurse’s voice often turns to a bit of a whisper when going on to ask about my alcohol consumption and what I’m doing about it.

Immediately I feel judged and ashamed. I feel like a failure.

The image of the below was sent to me when I was going through a particularly tough time. And when I spoke to friend of mine who is very religious she told me to rememver that Jesus doesn’t judge me. He loves me. And he forgives me. That’s positive self talk.

So why do we judge ourselves so harshly?

If we take the statement from the image and apply it to ourselves we face the question of why we allow ourselves to believe the judgements of others or our assumption of their judgements?

Perhaps instead we shout be asking: what is that person thinking and feeling? Can we help them? The obvious reaction might be to feel resentment towards them but does that help us ourselves or them?

I’ve heard it said that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed. But maybe this is the exception to the rule.

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions but they’ve been circling round in my head and I’d love to hear what anyone’s thoughts are. (if you’d read this post this far. I know it’s a bit of a ramble).

And there I go again – self judgement and assuming no one will find it interesting. I want to read more into what has been written on the topic and I’ll blog about what I find out.

Conquering self-judgement

If your school career was anything like mine, it will have been drilled into you from a young age that you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.

But it would seem many of us still rate a novel’s merit on the ethnicity of its writer.

According the black author Candice Carty-Williams, publishing remains a ‘white middle class industry’ with little recognition of its non-white contributors from ethnic backgrounds.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4, The ‘Queenie’ author talked about the lack of recognition for black writers, the morning after she won overall book of the year at the British Book Awards, making her the first black woman to win the accolade.

And it got me thinking about the way we judge others in a general sense, and perhaps more importantly, about how we judge ourselves.

Candice Carty-Williams and her award-winning debut novel Queenie

I know I for one am guilty of imparting on others the judgements I hold about myself. I assume people look down on me for the aspects of my life or past that I am ashamed of. But that’s only my own opinion and fear of being judged poorly and I’m trying hard to challenge it.

A friend recently shared with me that she too had gone through a time in her life when there were things about herself of which she was ashamed. But her faith in God helped her through. She told me that Jesus is not ashamed of me and that if I put my faith in him he will remove my shame too.

Now, I’m not a religious person. I never have been. But I do envy the people I know who have found God and seem to be so much more at peace. It is, after all, a comforting idea that someone somewhere out there is looking out for each of us, no questions asked, and guiding us in the right direction.

So I’m giving it a go. That’s not to say I’ve got my nose in a Bible or that I’ll suddenly start preaching from the rooftops. But I’ve started reading a book of short stories by people who have overcome adversity with the help of their faith.

The book, simply called Stories, is a compilation of extracts from King’s Church, Newport attendees writing openly and truthfully about their experiences. And it is followed by some really eye opening questions to encourage self-reflection.

It’s given me the opportunity to explore the way my past shaped how I think and behave and feel a connection with the people behind the extracts. There’s no preaching, no forcing opinions or beliefs on others, just a series of normal people – most of whom I’ve found I have at least one thing in common with.

Do I judge the authors? No. I am inspired by their strength in overcoming hardship to lead happy, fulfilled life.

And perhaps I’m reading too much into it, but I began by opening on a random page and reading a page. One per day, and answering the questions that followed. Every single one read like an extract from my own story. I’m willing to consider the belief that it wasn’t just coincidence that drew me to them, so I can stop judging myself and feeling shame.

The dangers of online symptom checkers…

Image from Health Snap

So last week someone I live with was in hospital with a nasty stomach bug. Fortunately he seems to have made a full recovery and is back home. But obviously when I started to develop minor symptoms I panicked. I went onto WebMD and put in my symptoms to the site’s checker service and quite frankly it was frightening.

Apparently there’s a whole host of things I could have – and that’s without even saying about the housemate’s recent hospitalisation with the bug.

I would urge everyone to be cautious when using these sites. The last thing you need when you’re not feeling on top form is to be told a bit of bloating needs urgent care… Pretty much everything says go to a&e, even though it might just be a bit of a stomach upset.

And apparently I’m not the only person who feels this way. As posted in the Henry Ford Blog:

For example: You wake up in the middle of the night with a pain in the lower left side of your stomach. You get up and walk around, but it doesn’t go away. So you search the internet for “left-side stomach pain.” You find out it could be constipation, or diverticulitis, or kidney stones, or a bladder infection, or gas — or cancer. Your mind goes right to the cancer. Oh no, what if it’s pancreatic cancer? And then you can’t sleep, so you keep surfing.”

Unfortunately my Dr’s surgery has quite an unsympathetic receptionist and told me I have to wait until tomorrow (now today) to speak to a doctor on the ‘gp advice line’. Well that service only lasts for one hour and I have tried. But after being on hold for at least 40 minutes it shut off so I’ll just have to try again tomorrow and hope for more success.I’m not too concerned; I think like many others at this time I’m just being uber-precautious.

Just everyone, be careful about what you read online. Right now we all need to stay safe from coronavirus and the last thing we need is more stress. Cos let’s face it – hospital is awful at the best of times, but when being there puts you at risk of a worse disease, well, what’s the best option. Do you go for treatment? Or do you stay home and hope to battle through it?

Your guess is as good as mine on this one.

Need help, he won’t accept it

This is just a but of a ramble from the heart. No references to other blogs; no scientific papers.

I’m just having a bit of a hard time. I’m trying to look after myself – which I’m told is so important because of my health conditions. I hate bringing it up. I’m not going to be a victim.

I just feel so down right now. Someone I care about and am trying to look after is not well and refusing hospital help.

I don’t know what to do I feel terrible but I’m trying to do all the right things.

I just need help so I can help him.

Having been in intensive care following a central drip which, trust me, was excruciating, I don’t want to be back in that situation again. I don’t want him to either.

The NHS are doing above and beyond. I just hope they can help my partner.

8 wish you all well x

June the first… How?!

Oh dear. How is it June already?

Theodore Gordon quote from

I didn’t used to be all that bothered. In fact, I’ll admit that sometimes I only noticed the change of month because my mum religiously sends me a ‘happy 1st of the month’ followed by – since the invention of smart phones – two rabbit emojis. (It’s a Scottish thing apparently!)

But now time seems to be flying buy with precious little to show for it. Delta Goodrem sang ‘Another Year Older’. Well here I am another month older. Yes, I should take it as a compliment when I get asked for ID when buying fags. But ultimately having to confirm that I’m 32 (32!!!) is pretty depressing.

For a while, in my 20s when things were good, time was flying by but in a good way. Uni, then a Masters, then an immediate job with a posting in New York. Now I think back over the past month and wonder what exactly I’ve achieved.

So what’s the way out of my predicament? Since lockdown I’ve poster quite a lot about trying pretty hard to keep myself busy, be it reading, mindfulness, yoga, meditation, online mini workouts etc. And it seems acceptable in lockdown. Ish.

But what next? And no, fly fishing isn’t even a possibility. I’m just baffled by how much time has passed me by without a proper career. And yes, I still hold a huge grudge against the woman who bullied me out of said career.

Basically I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondering if I’ll ever work again; it’s been so long. And this is a ramble of self pity.

I’ve been out today, I plan to do some yoga and I’ve got my Lee Child book on the go so hopefully I can pull myself out of my slump. Just have to keep on going, Thank you to the people who read or comment on my posts. It gives me a little boost to read the stats.

So another month over but I’m going to try to make this a better one. Suggestions welcome!